How To Sustain A Relationship? – By Reshma

Patience, Presence and Understanding: Keys to sustaining a relationship? – By Reshma

Does the key to a successful relationship lie in understanding oneself and understanding the other? I mean this lack of understanding between two people can be a problem because individuals construct their identities and worldviews through stories all the time which may be different from one another. So the question is whether a relationship can withstand non-understanding.

However, here are some ways to tackle the problem.

Accept your reality and your partner’s reality:

Don’t keep fighting the situation with a need to prove your point, discredit your loved one, or desire to be right all the time. Keep in mind that your partner is neither a villain nor are you a hero. Both of you have differences, just like anyone else.

Treat yourself and your partner with kindness:

Even though it may be very hard to deal with conflict without adding personal insult and unwarranted comments, try to be patient, respectful and kind throughout the discussion. It really helps to approach disagreements with every iota of positive energy and compassion that you can muster. Also, be kind to yourself and patient with the process. What is there to fear? Is your integrity at stake?

Remember, your worth and dignity is in your ability to handle the disconnect and release anger and frustration in your best way with your loved one, even if it takes time.

Understanding:

During conflicts, I know many of you may be thinking, ‘I’m screwed, because I don’t even understand where my partner is coming from.’ But trust me, if you are doing all that you can to communicate, giving your partner space, and willing to compromise, and most importantly you are there for your partner, then you may have built a solid foundation for mutual understanding.

It may sound very idealistic, but if your partner feels that he/she can count on your presence, then there are high chances that the relationship will survive.

Understanding your partner can be work. Sometimes it may take a lifetime to figure them out, sometimes you may have worked them out but life and circumstances change them. Then there are others who may try to throw you off deliberately (as childish as it may seem) and some partners whom you may have figured out but you don’t want to acknowledge their truths. Sometimes you may have trouble understanding them because you are trying to understand yourself.

Presence:

The above scenario does not mean it’s time to give up. If you can exercise patience, and just be there, the relationship will only be healthier. By ‘being there’, I don’t mean just physically. ‘Being there’ also means to be ‘self-aware’. Lack of patience can stop you from feeling present and self-aware.

If you are not able to be ‘present’ with your partner, you will only hinder communication further because you are not available.

Many relationship issues arise from fear. If you recognise this and have the courage to admit it to your partner then half the problem is solved. If you are earnestly trying to improve your relationship ask yourself or your partner what you or they are afraid of.

The thing is many people don’t get that if you focus on where the love is (and that is entirely in your control), it is easy to transcend the fear. If you are unable to do much about it then look within.

That’s where the problem lies most of the time.

So let the love that you have for yourself help you find the patience you need to work on your relationship. Let this love help you understand yourself and your partner better. The more you turn inwards the more you realise who brings you up, who holds you down, and who is deserving of your energy.

 

By Reshma Raju
M.Sc Psychology,
Certified Women’s Health Coach (USA)