The Art Of Letting Go – By Reshma

Letting Go in Relationships

You can’t reach out for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday’s junk – Louise Smith

You carry baggage from the past – about broken bonds, nagging arguments, grudges and toxic relationships. It can be quite inconvenient to clean up the mess but it can be even more inconvenient living a life of discomfort for not having sorted these issues as well. Let’s face it, how long can you hold on to pain? Does it really solve anything? You can keep replaying the past in your head over and over again but does it really change it? Does wishing that things could have been different work?

Nope.

So what can you do?

You’ve got to get real about accepting the baggage, then letting go of it. This is where change begins. Now when I say ‘letting go’, I don’t mean for this to be a heavy process. Oh no. On the contrary letting go is meant for you to feel lighter. Just that between the heaviness of letting go and the lightness that comes later, there is a zone of discomfort. But the sooner you are willing to accept and experience this discomfort, you pass through it easily. Just like that.

Holding onto the past will only block opportunities for growth in your relationship. It will stop you from creating a sense of self – a self that is not defined by what you were, but rather who you want to be. I know letting go can feel almost close to impossible for most of you, but trust me, there are others out there for whom pain is very comfortable because that is all that they know. Their pain becomes their sense of identity. They have trouble releasing their hurts and bygone memories because they believe that past unpleasant emotions are part of who they are. And so they have a lot of trouble letting go.

Here are some ways that may aid you:

1. Past Relationships: Understand that the relationship that you thought you could have, is going to be very different from what you actually have at the moment. Let’s accept who you are in this moment, and the way your partner is too. With time, you will learn that things may never go as planned, and that this is part of life. But if you want to improve the quality of your relationship, then it is very important to become aware of yourself and the role that you play in your relationship, along with accepting and appreciating certain facts about your loved one. If you practice gratitude, then the journey becomes very easy.

2. Express: Share, communicate and express as much as you can with your partner. Being able to discuss can stop emotions from bottling up with time. Express yourself clearly, lovingly and appropriately. This is essential to feeling good not only about yourself, but also about your relationship.

3. Expectations can keep you stuck: When you are heavily invested in the outcome while dealing with your partner, it mostly leads to disappointment. You can’t guarantee much in life, and expectations obviously won’t be met all the time. In such cases, it’s best to respond very rationally and respectfully to your partner. This may mean setting boundaries, or letting go.

4. Accept things that you cannot change: Bring yourself to the ‘Now‘. The present moment is all that you have. This is where your life and partnership happens. You can’t change the past, you can only make decisions to aid how your future may turn out.

5. Don’t (for a moment) think that you can control others: You only have control over what you feel, think, say and act. You can’t change others, and I personally believe that even trying to, is a waste of good time and energy. In fact this is a big factor that gets couples to engage in unhelpful behaviors – like trying to please each other out of fear, that, ’my partner will not get angry with me because I’m doing everything for them.’

6. Get worried about what you think of yourself: If you live for the approval of others, you lose out on life. So free yourself from other people’s opinions.

7. Make mistakes: It’s okay to mess up, fumble or say something stupid or silly. You are human, and being unintelligent or wrong can be funny at times. This is all part of your life experience and learning, as well as a great way to bond with your mate.

8. Relax and Laugh

9. It’s okay to feel negative emotions: Don’t try and ignore negative emotions. This will only prolong suffering. It’s perfectly alright to feel sad. It’s okay to honor loss. It’s okay to feel grief and hurt. Allow yourself to feel all that you want to feel, however difficult it may be, for this will help you move on.

10. Forgive: Forgiveness is not what you do for the other person, it is what you do for yourself. If you are unwilling to forgive, it will keep you stuck in the past.

Remember you are not your past or your pain or who people say you are. You are just a cumulative collection of experiences. It is your negative ideas of yourself that get in the way of who you want to be in your relationship. Healing and letting go takes a lot of courage and willingness to be uncomfortable, but is absolutely worth it, and helps you grow to your infinite potential with your partner.

 

By Reshma Raju
M.Sc Psychology,
Certified Women’s Health Coach (USA)