Stop Catastrophizing! – By Reshma

Why Catastrophizing Is Not Good For Your Relationship – An Article By Reshma Raju

Have you ever been upset with your partner for something they may have said or done that was so minor, and told yourself – my day is screwed because of them?

My day is ruined/fucked up because of you?

Even though it was absolutely harmless and perhaps may have amounted to nothing at all? Yet you couldn’t help but feel that nothing could have been worse.

This is called catastrophizing and this is a kind of thought process that happens when you get angry.

Now getting frustrated really depends on how we evaluate the frustrating situation. We decide whether it is unfair, punishable, blameworthy etc, and then we decide if it is bad or worse. Of course, there is a difference between ‘the fight with my partner is maddening’ and ‘the fight with my partner is going to ruin my day!’

To sum it up nicely, when we blow things out of proportion, we are catastrophizing, and to be honest, this is not at all healthy for relationships. We analyze and evaluate events from a very pessimistic position and decide that we cannot cope with them. We tell our partners “this is the worst….” instead of saying “this is disappointing…”.

We use statements like “I can’t deal with this anymore…” instead of “I wish I didn’t have to deal with this…”

Research has shown that catastrophizing partners largely have a tendency to get angry, to express their rage in maladaptive and destructive ways, have thoughts of vengeance, tend to pick fights often, can damage property and may have multiple anger management issues. Not surprisingly, such partners can also be prone to depression and anxiety, because they constantly exaggerate the consequences of negative life events, and thereby feel scared and sad in large proportions.

What can be done?

1. It can be very helpful to think of the realistic consequence of events. The delay that your partner caused in getting ready will probably get you late for the party by 10 minutes. Think about what could be the actual consequence of these delays to your life in the grand scheme of things? Are they major or minor setbacks? They might add a little disruption, but that disruption may actually be an opportunity to think of better solutions for the next time.

2. As soon as you realize you are catastrophizing, nip it in the bud (hold it by the balls) and replace it with a realistic alternative thought. Instead of telling your partner “you came back late from work and ruined my weekend”, try, “I’m really sad that we couldn’t do what we wanted to do today”

3. However, don’t downplay the consequence. Many couples talk about stuff that is really disappointing and then say ‘it’s fine’. It is not. It is not healthy to pretend it’s fine if it is not. Things do not have to be all rosy or all bad. Things can be ‘not so okay’ as well and it helps to acknowledge that too. Partners should aim to have a realistic idea of the consequence of a frustrating event and not pretend that everything is okay.

4. Yes, this will take time, and practice will make you good at it (just like anything else). It is not easy to catch ourselves when we experience catastrophic thoughts because we have spent our entire lives developing our perceptions, emotions and habitual ways of thinking, and undoing them requires shit load of effort and time. We may not even realize that we have been catastrophizing till the end of the day, but if we continue to work on it, and begin to reflect on our thoughts and feelings from time to time, we get better and better at catching ourselves in that moment.

 

By Reshma Raju
M.Sc Psychology,
Certified Women’s Health Coach (USA)