Is Projection Really Good For Love?- By Reshma

Why Projection Is Not Good For Love…

Why do we blame our partners when hurting in a relationship?

Think about these questions: After having a fight, do you have a tough time moving on? Are you able to patch up quickly or do you feel the need to keep away from each other for a while? If your mate wants to get close, do you remain withdrawn and detached for a bit? Is there a part of you that thinks your partner should put extra effort to get your full attention and that you shouldn’t give in so easily after you’ve been ruffled?

If you’ve answered yes then here’s something to consider. You probably can’t let go of the hurt, can’t get over what your partner has done/hasn’t done, you’re not feeling loved and it hurts really bad. No way you’re going to forgive!

Okay, now listen to this even if it maddens you:

Your partner has really nothing to do with the pain you feel. Most of the time, in pain, we believe that our partner is responsible for our pain. This is a kind of projection. Trouble is, when you project, you believe your problem is only one thing, but, it could be a million other things or something else.

Projection can be a nuisance. It happens when we blame our partners for hurts from the past. Mind you, this is unconscious. Conflict of any kind usually triggers unresolved problems from childhood and ex-relationships. We feel that the other person is the cause of our grief, because they’re with us all the time. I mean, what else could it be right?

However, projection keeps us from better understanding the source of our pain.

When you are sure as hell that your mate is responsible, and is to blame, you are unable to see how your past has given rise to what you feel in the present moment. You just refuse to acknowledge the basic issues that are bothering you in the moment.

At the same time, projection stops us from sorting these issues and gives rise to a vicious cycle of negative patterns over and over again. So unless you are conscious of this projection enough to address it, you will keep playing out the same patterns in this relationship or the next, thereby disabling you from truly moving on after fall-outs, and connecting with all those you love.

So how do you know you’re projecting?

For starters, this is how it feels in your body:

1. Feeling wronged: If a small disagreement with your loved one fills you with a feeling of sadness in your chest, then you are most likely projecting something from the past onto them – could be a parent who let you down or a kid who did something to you and got away with it.

2. Feeling of being right: When you’re 100% convinced that you’re 100% right in the argument, you’ll feel anger, your brow will furrow, you might assume a very menacing posture over your partner, and go full throttle in the blame game against them.

3. Feeling like life/death: Feelings of anxiety with your partner during an argument, and the compulsion to solve the problem immediately, is a signal that you’re bringing a traumatic incident of the past into the present moment.

No doubt, projection certainly depletes love. It keeps couples stuck because blaming/shaming your partner stops you from unearthing your role in the interaction. This is called ‘entanglement’.

Now these entanglements, on the surface, may look exactly like a relationship – couples spend a lot of time together, live-in, but lack harmony, which is the central component of real relationships. Remember, projection is a key aspect of entanglements, and drains the relationship big time.

When two unconscious people play out old wounds unconsciously and create a scenario filled with discord and fault-finding, projection becomes a sort of prison. When we are finally able to break free from it, we will be able to let go of pain and judgement, and open our hearts to abundant love.

(***Note: Projection is definitely not, and I repeat NOT an excuse for abuse in a relationship. If you find yourself in a situation that hurts your well-being, I urge you to seek appropriate professional help.)

 

By Reshma Raju
M.Sc Psychology,
Certified Women’s Health Coach (USA)