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Disabling Autopilot In Relationships - By Reshma

Disabling Autopilot In Relationships – By Reshma

How to disable autopilot in relationships, how to snap out of unskillful habits – By Reshma

Have you noticed what pets do to navigate to the garden or backyard in snow? In the beginning, they’re nearly up to their heads in the snow. Then slowly they begin to create small paths around the garden towards where they want to get to. Now you can see that they have made a lot of well-traversed paths, and even after the snow has settled making it very easy for them to stop using their paths and use a more simple course, they just don’t do it.
Why do they keep following the same haphazardly made tracks even though it takes longer to reach where they want to get? It doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t seem effective.
Sounds familiar? Isn’t this what all of us do?

Yes, the frequently travelled path is easy. It doesn’t require big decisions to be made. No elaborate thought processes to comply with. No need to think much at all. The well-worn path is known, easy, comfortable even though it may lead to uncertainty, difficulty and discomfort. Every small habit that we engage in (or not) changes the structure of our brain. They form new grooves and pathways. We keep enacting these behaviour patterns day in and day out, on autopilot. In spite of the fact that they may not be productive at all.

For example, we may still react to our partner’s mistakes with anger or hollow threats even if that is not how we want to handle the relationship and even if we know for sure that this particular style of conflict resolution doesn’t work. We may constantly keep checking our phone while they are talking, or during dinner even without the need to do so (according to research we do that 100-200 times a day).
We may want to hit the gym with our spouse or meditate for 10 minutes but if that is not part of our daily routine or life vision that can bring us joy and fulfilment, we will start to go back to our default mental modes – reaching out for the snooze button, losing our shit at the drop of a hat, getting bored and eventually uneasy, dissatisfied and resentful.
But having said that, some parts of our day on autopilot is not a bad thing. Brushing our teeth, sending the kids off to school, helping our partner during grocery shopping, getting dressed – doesn’t really require much cognitive effort no? Why? Because these pathways preserve our sanity at some level.

Autopilot actually means ‘no driver’. No one is in control. Just some algorithms. Pre-programmed. So when this autopilot tries to drive through turbulent terrain, it gets us into trouble. In fact, if we look a little closer, we find that half our day is dedicated to habits and routines which we aren’t conscious of at all. We spend a lot of time not really paying attention to what we are doing, feeling or thinking in our relationship. Consequently, we begin to act in ways that are amateurish and stressful for both parties. We aren’t able to navigate through especially if the situation is one which autopilot is completely ill-equipped to handle.

Therefore, we need to build the ability to stick to familiar pathways only when it makes sense to do so and to have the presence of mind and clarity to know when a new path is needed.
Changing habits can be difficult but is also rewarding. The first step is to notice our habitual response pattern, avoidance pattern or unskillful behaviour.

Here are 5 ways to do it:

1. Change routine by interrupting your habit:
Try small changes, like driving a different route to work, heading to bed 15 min earlier than usual, breathing before an argument escalates. Just see what it feels like to make a small change to your habit. See what it feels like to get back into the driver’s seat by introducing things that interrupt your habit.

2. Question yourself:
Most of our behaviour in relationships have a purpose. When you begin to realize that a habit isn’t very useful to you or your loved one, try and ask yourself why you are doing it in the first place. Reflect by asking these questions:

  • How does this behaviour make me and my partner feel?
  • What do I gain from this? What does my partner gain from this? Am I rewarded/punished by my behaviour? Is my partner rewarded/punished by my behaviour?
  • What happens after I do (or do not do) this? What happens after a few minutes, hours, days?
  • What need of mine am I trying to fulfil from this behaviour? Does it make sense?

Once you identify the need/purpose of this behaviour then you can find ways to tackle it effectively.

3. Become Aware:
Choose a simple activity that you and your partner can do every day that serves as a reminder to be present. Something like journaling or doing a walk after dinner.

  • Every time you do a simple activity, just focus on being in the present moment.
  • Take a deep breath and notice what you are doing.
  • See how your body feels about it.
  • Notice any thoughts/feelings that arise.
  • Ask yourself, “what is needed of me right now?”

4. Delve into your stories:
Just for one day, decide to pay attention to what is going on inside you. Pay attention to your thoughts, especially when you are feeling angry, overwhelmed or frustrated. What is the story that you are telling yourself at that time?
Is there a recurring theme? You may come across stories about not being good enough, not having enough time, never being appreciated by your partner, wondering why you have to do this or that for your partner, why your partner is doing everything wrong, whether this relationship is good for you etc.

  • Once you notice your story ask yourself if it is true.
  • Where is this story coming from?
  • Are you seeing the complete picture?
  • Is there information that you are not taking into consideration?
  • What would be a better way to interpret your story?

5. Meditate together:
When we meditate we notice what is happening within us. We notice feelings, thoughts, stories and sensations. We see things clearly in our relationship because we are making space for everything to be as it is. When we practice meditation every day with our partner, we get better at paying attention to our habitual relationship patterns. Especially those patterns that are not conducive for the relationship at all. This way we are able to exert our intention to navigate through challenges and tough moments in our partnership on a daily basis.

Better to practice when it’s easy so we can do it when it’s hard.

Changing habits is a struggle. What we can do for starters is to learn to see our autopilot in action. We can then start tweaking this autopilot mode with small doses of conscious behaviour throughout the day, and with tiny disruptions to our established patterns.

 

 

letting go in relationships

By Reshma Raju
M.Sc Psychology,
Certified Women’s Health Coach (USA)

 

Do you need relationship advice? Ask your questions & Reshma will get back!