The Blame Game Can Ruin A Relationship – By Reshma

How To Stop Playing The Blame Game! – By Reshma

At some point in our adult lives, we all make that crucial decision to share our living space with a loved one. Obviously, we have to make adjustments when we start living together. Just that nobody has the faintest idea what these adjustments might be.
In partnerships, we feel that challenges exist only around couple dynamics. That obstacles always have something to do with the other person. So, the last thing we really think about is personal growth.

But let me tell you, relationships are only about personal growth and evolution.

Conflicts are a given in any human interaction. We accuse. We feel the need to prove a point and showcase our partner’s shortcomings. We go back and forth about what our partner has/hasn’t done and get more and more upset. We play the blame game. Whenever we indulge the blame game we damage the relationship in newer ways than we did the last time. And this ripple effect lasts for days. Staying mad. Complaining. Trying to establish right or wrong. It’s a painful downward trend. However, this is also where pain becomes a blessing.

Pain is a gift. It tells us when something doesn’t feel right. That something isn’t working. That something needs to change. Perhaps without pain, we may never know that we need to change.

When we decide to make any change in life, we need to be very conscious about it. Is it possible to change something about ourselves without knowing what change we need to make in the first place?

Blame can be a very gut-wrenching experience, but if brought to our awareness, can empower us to change in more ways than one.

Bitterness, rage, sadness, misery –these are the negative emotions that warn us about how things aren’t right. Surely, we experience it when we battle it out with our partners?

But what happens when we take 100% responsibility for this?

Our success in life is largely defined by the ability to take 100% responsibility for everything that happens around us and within us. If we take 100% responsibility for our partnership, we will begin to see some wonderful things.
We may argue that a relationship is about meeting halfway, supposed to be 50-50, but there are times when we must bite the bullet and take all the responsibility and blame for our responses towards situations that life presents to us. It is in this process that we start discovering who we are.

(Please note that if the relationship we are in is abusive or disrespectful, then this is certainly not recommended).

In the process of self-discovery, we become more aware of our tendencies to blame, find fault, criticize etc. Also, we become aware of how we have perhaps denied responsibility for things we may have been able to change?

Therefore, blame really doesn’t arise from a state of empowerment, but from the mentality of a victim.

What can we do?
Let’s catch ourselves after blaming our partner. Let’s catch ourselves while we are accusing our partner. Let’s catch ourselves right before you are about to point fingers. And slowly, slowly with practice we will begin to catch our thoughts – that it is our partner’s fault for this and that. And by accepting and bringing our awareness to this thought pattern (to blame), we eventually LET GO.

This is how we take responsibility.

No relationship has flourished by blaming and shaming.
When we take full responsibility for our relationship, we decide not to blame the other for anything. Even if we are so sure that it is the other one’s fault. When we communicate this with our partner, chances are that our partner will be inspired to do the same and make an effort to stop blaming too. It is possible that most of the time it is only we who create those conditions that cause our partner to do things that will eventually get us to blame them. It is possible that we haven’t communicated about what we like or don’t’ like. It is possible that we may have not been encouraging
each other to work as a team.

Take total responsibility.

So in simple words, this is how to eliminate blame:

1) Notice pain areas in your relationship.

2) Be conscious of when you are accusing, even if you are doing this in your head. The sooner you catch it, the more chances you’ll avoid a full-blown argument.

3) Take responsibility and see what happens. It may be hard to do because we always want to be right and it is so much easier to find fault in others.
Practice. Practice. Practice. (This only applies to healthy relationships. Please do not take responsibility for someone who does not respect or mistreat you.)

4) Communicate with your partner about what is going on and how you are making an effort to stop blaming. Have a chat about things that trouble you without faulting the other person. This will strengthen your bond, inspire your
partner to do the same for you, and iron out issues in a much easier manner.

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By Reshma Raju
M.Sc Psychology,
Certified Women’s Health Coach (USA)