We all want to build our children’s confidence. Naturally, we clap at their scribbles, cheer when they put their shoes on, and say “Good job!” almost reflexively. But could this well-meaning praise be shaping how our children view themselves — and not always for the better?
Too much or the wrong kind of praise can foster dependency on external validation, undermine resilience, and create a fear of failure. Children begin to chase approval instead of mastery. They do things for applause, not for learning. But there’s a better way — praise the process, not just the result.
The Praise Trap
Studies show that children praised for their intelligence (“You’re so smart!”) are more likely to give up when a task gets tough, compared to those praised for effort (“You worked really hard on that!”). Why? Because the first group learns that their worth is tied to performance, not persistence.
Shift the Focus to Growth
The goal isn’t to stop encouraging your child — it’s to change the language. Instead of saying, “You’re amazing at maths,” try, “I noticed you kept going even when the sums were tricky — that shows great focus.” This reframes achievement as a result of effort, not innate ability.
Encouragement vs. Praise
Encouragement sounds like:
“You came up with a creative solution.”
This type of feedback supports autonomy and builds intrinsic motivation. Your child begins to see challenges as opportunities to grow rather than moments to impress.
Let Them Fail Safely
Children who are always praised may become risk-averse, fearing mistakes will make them “less good” in their parents’ eyes. Instead, create a safe space for failure. Let them struggle, try again, and learn that failure isn’t shameful — it’s part of the process.