An Islamic Perspective On Choosing Wisely Before Committing To Marriage
Recognising the Signs That Could Compromise a Halal Union
In Islam, marriage is a sacred contract — a spiritual, emotional, and practical partnership that plays a vital role in completing half of one’s deen. When considering someone as a potential spouse, it’s not just about attraction or charm. It’s about compatibility, shared values, and the intention to build a household rooted in faith, mercy, and tranquillity. While no one is perfect, certain behaviours should raise concern before saying “Qabiltu” at the nikah.
Here are ten red flags to look out for when considering someone for a halal marriage.
1. They Undermine the Purpose of Marriage in Islam
If a person sees marriage only as a social formality or for personal gain—rather than a means of pleasing Allah, building a family, and seeking tranquillity (sakinah)—their priorities may clash with your spiritual goals.
2. Disregard for Daily Prayers or Islamic Obligations
While we all strive to improve, someone who shows no concern for salah, fasting, or fulfilling basic Islamic duties may not support your religious growth. A spouse should help you move closer to Allah, not further away.
3. They Avoid Involving the Wali or Family Early On
In a halal courtship, transparency and family involvement are key. If they insist on secrecy or resist involving your wali, it’s a sign they may not be approaching the relationship with sincere or honourable intentions.
4. Flirtatious or Inappropriate Behaviour Before Nikah
Engaging in unnecessary physical or emotional intimacy before marriage contradicts the halal framework. If someone doesn’t respect Islamic boundaries now, it raises concern about how they’ll respect them in the future.
5. Poor Manners and Bad Character (Akhlaq)
The Prophet ﷺ said, “The best among you are those who have the best manners.” A person who is rude, arrogant, or dismissive of others—especially those in service roles or less fortunate—lacks the humility required for a peaceful marriage.
6. Dishonesty and Deception
Trust is a pillar in Islamic marriages. If someone lies about their past, conceals important details (like debt or previous marriages), or frequently contradicts themselves, these are major red flags.
7. No Clear Goals for the Future
A person unsure of their direction in life—whether spiritually, financially, or emotionally—may struggle to lead or contribute to a stable Islamic household. Marriage requires vision and mutual planning with tawakkul.
8. Shows Anger or Emotional Manipulation
Islam encourages emotional control and kindness, especially within the home. If they’re quick to anger, guilt-trip, or manipulate, it could indicate deeper emotional issues that may escalate after marriage.
9. Negative Talk About Marriage or the Opposite Gender
Frequent complaints about women/men in general, jokes mocking marriage, or hostile views toward traditional roles in Islam are signs of a potentially toxic mindset that can damage the harmony of a marital union.
10. Unwilling to Learn and Grow Together Islamically
A good spouse isn’t someone who is already perfect, but someone who’s willing to learn and grow with you. If they dismiss Islamic advice, belittle scholars, or show no interest in spiritual development, this may lead to conflict later on.